No Good in Goodbye.

If there's one thing I'm sure of in life, It's this, I am not sure of ANYTHING. My fatal flaw in life is that I always thing I'm sure.. But then when I follow through I'm left with nothing. I did something stupid. Something I probably can't fix. I let the one person I needed in my life go. At first I felt relief, I had finally made a decision and implemented it.. Then I felt the whole "I'm better off without you anyway." mentality... Clearly, that mentality was completely false. The worst part of this whole deal is even if I could fix it, I know that I shouldn't. This person is in fact, better off without ME... And that one earth crushing fact, is the one thing keeping me from packing a bag, jumping in the car and driving to a different state to resolve things..But here I am, it's 5 AM, and for the 3rd week in a row, I haven't had a good nights rest all week. My life has consisted of this; Make coffee, Shower, Get Dressed, Drive to Work, Attempt to lose myself in my work, Come home, Try not to think about it, Think about it, Decline any offers to leave my bedroom for the chance at a social life,Force myself to eat even though the thought of eating makes me nauseous, lay in bed all night thinking about this person, Stare at my phone for hours, Look at old pics, Listen to old Voicemails they left, Stare at the ceiling hoping sleep will come, Morning happens... and Repeat. It's like there's this giant void.. And sure, I have an awesome boyfriend, who does everything to try and fix me, and occassionally it works temporarily, but the truth is... I miss my best friend. I'm nothing without them. I'd like to think that they would read this and call me and everything would be okay again.. Though I know the chances of that happening are 1 in 1,000.. All I can really do is wait.. And hope that time will heal the self-inflicted wounds that are taking over my exisitence. I've always been taught to look for the good in goodbye.. But, truthfully.. the good seems like its non-existant in this case.

Nostalgia, you dirty, dirty whore.

nos·tal·gia noun : pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again. 1.: the state of being homesick : homesickness 2: a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition; also : something that evokes nostalgia Nostalgia comes in many forms, old photographs, songs from the past, perhaps even seeing a familiar face. All these things can either make you happy, or they can make you feel so completely devestated that they are all in the past and over and you'll never re-live them that you sit on your ass eating ice cream, and crying. I've been having a lot of nostalgia lately. I've spent many a night sipstting on my ass doing the later of the two side effects of nostalgia. I've tried to let it go and move on, but it's hard. There have been a lot of influencial moments in my life. The ups, such as the many nights I spent with my friends back home, talking about just.. everything, crying, laughing, just taking a moment to share things amongst friends. And even some of the downs such as losing my Dad to cancer, the silly little heartbreaks that I thought ended my very life as I knew it. So is there a remedy for nostalgia? Maybe, Maybe not. I do know however, the blow is softened if you try to focus on the moment you live in. Enjoy life, before time flies and you end up nostalgiac over the life you should have appreciated whilst you were so occupied missing the past Anyway, that's all for now. BYYEEEE!(:

Us (:

Take New Risks? Check.

Okay, So I've done a shitty job of updating. buuut... One night, while my boy's sister was in town, their friend from their hometown came up to spend the night and then take Amanda back home with him for the rest of her trip.. So, we were all sitting on the couch watching a movie, and it was probably around 11pm. and Chris gets an INSANE idea. "Let's go to Vegas.. like... right now." I was really hesitant at first and tried to come up with an excuse, but then I remembered the list, and thought... Hell... what a way to cross that off.. so We all piled in the car and made the 2 hour drive to Vegas, walked the strip, had a blast and came back before the sun came up. It was actually one of the best adventures I have EVER had!! :D I took a risk on new years. I have always loved shooting guns, you know at clay pigeons or targets... but I've always been scared to shoot an animal or something.. because I felt like it was unhumane and whatever. But! I went Trapping with a friend and my boyfriend on New Years, and I did it! I shot my first fox!! :D :D :D And then a few weeks later, I shot another one, and even felt brave enough to watch it be skinned! :P Which was kinda yucky... but still. :P Another risk I took.. and this is a silly one.. I pee'd in the woods :P I've never been brave enough to do so... but I finally did! :D it was FREEZING, I honestly thought I was gonna get like a tic in my butt or that I would have frostbite, but I was fine. :P So I can mark that off my list. :P

The List.

For some people, it takes a new year to make changes in their lives. But I've decided to get a headstart. So, Starting today, December 18th, 2013 I'm going to become a better person. In my own way. at my own pace. *Take More Risks* *Be Loyal * *Trust More * *Be More Organized * *Keep Record of Things that Make you Happy, Sad, Mad, Etc..* *Have faith in yourself * *Be Who YOU Want to Be * *Stop Being such a Pussy, and TRY. * So, There you have it folks, I'll be sure to post anytime I do something to insure the completion of these challenges. And If you have any suggestions as to complete these things, let me know In the comments.

Reason Three: Fate.

After a rough day at school I decided to eat through my feelings instead of drinking them away. So, I went to in n out. I splurged and bought 2 double doubles, a shake, and animal style fries. and had no Idea that I would be meeting someone who would change my life that night. which bAs I stood there holding armfuls of delicious food, knocking on my friend's door, The cutest boy, I had ever laid my eyes on walked up the stairs. "The party is two doors down.." He told me. "I'm done with the party life, actually" I confessed "I'm waiting for a friend. this is her apartment." He smiled looking relieved to hear that I wasn't one of those girls.. It was refreshing, because around here, if you aren't one of them, nobody cared about you. "Well.. Good luck" He smiled and walked away. I stood there speechless. Then I began beating myself up for not asking his name, or getting his number. I was smitten over this stranger. I asked my friend if she knew who he was, but she had no idea who I was talking about. I spent the rest of the evening obsessing over it. But it helped me to realize that I had a reason not to party anymore. So, I stopped. And a week later, It happened, fate introduced me to him online, I didn't know it was him until we met up.. we spent the entire night together, and when I decided to kiss him, I felt sparks. He spent the night, and instead of running out on me in the morning he turned to me and said "Wow... You look beautiful..." Nobody had ever said that to me. We got to know each other quickly, we spent every moment we could together night and day, and that weekend, I brought him home to meet my family and friends. They LOVED him . And truthfully, so did I. We've been together for 3 months now. He is EVERYTHING I ever could have wanted and more. He's my best friend, My rock, The man I want to spend the rest of eternity with.. It's crazy to think that could happen so fast.

Reason Two: Being the Party Girl.

Dixie State University is Known for its partying. The students here go HARD. And truthfully, after having my heart ripped out, that's ALL I wanted to do, have fun, forget, and lose myself to the booze. And so, I did. I partied every night for a month straight. I can't remember most of it. But I do remember that it was fun. Until I started drinking on my own, in my room, before 5 PM. I was slipping into the deep dark pit of alcoholism rapidly. I began doing more than just drinking. I tried pot, I tried pills, I almost tried Extacy. But, one night I came home drunk beyond belief, and took a bunch of pills, to many. I remember feeling like I was going to die. So, being raised as your typical run of the mill, white bread, Grade A mormon, I prayed. I wasn't ready to die. I pleaded for help to get through this, and for the strength to get away from this life and get help. I made it through the night, and went to school the next day, surprisingly refreshed and alert. I Decided from that Night on I would change my life.